Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Change of Heart

I started writing this in October, and I never finished. 

Keep in mind, I'm not currently enrolled in school. However, I want to be. The more I think about it, the harder it is to convince myself to go. What am I going for? To get a degree so that I can get a job. That's a joke at this point. What college students are graduating and getting their dream jobs anymore? Very few of them, and those that do need to feel very lucky. So if that's my reason to go to school, then why would I be going to school at all? Totally valid question, totally valid point. Right now, school doesn't make sense.

As I've come to terms with school not being an option for me right now, and at times thinking it won't ever be an option, I prepare myself to work towards becoming management and dealing with back breaking work for little pay the rest of my life. I can't help but think that doesn't always matter. If I go into work with a good attitude, I can mostly enjoy my job. Not a soul enjoys their job all of the time. I come home to a life where I can turn off work and enjoy what I do outside of it. I'm lucky, and the money thing doesn't matter. I just need to pay my bills and survive. I'm not homeless; I'm not starving; I'm not deprived in any way (regardless of how lavish my lifestyle is compared to how it used to be).

Now that I've been preparing myself for that kind of life, I'm thinking some of my other thoughts about school aren't following suit. It's time to change that.

Declared major: Special education. Excellent. Exciting. Worthy of my time. Not sure it's what I want. I can't figure out for the life of me what age group I want to teach. I don't want to babysit preschool and elementary age. I don't want to deal with middle schoolers entering puberty and tween girls coming to me for period advice. I don't want high schoolers because I just don't want them. I'm seriously enjoying children less and less. I think the special education teacher is more of a volunteer type thing. I love helping out how I can, but I do not want to make a career of it anymore.

There is something that just keeps nagging at me. Nagging, nagging, nagging. I push it away because of money and job security -- which just doesn't make sense anymore. It's Theology. Since I started studying Mormonism more closely in institute classes at the age of 14, I was enthralled. After leaving the church, my interest never wavered. I want to know about every religion out there. It's all fascinating to me. It is my biggest passion in life, and I constantly wonder if that's what I should study in college.

I keep wondering what it is I can do with a theology degree, though. I could stay on the teacher path and teach as a professor. However, being a professor is a difficult job to come by and requires a ton of schooling. I could do a double major as theology/english and become a writer perhaps. Again not a lot of job security or monetary status in that profession. But why do either of those things matter? Seriously. Who cares if theology is a practical degree. I would get a kick out of studying it. I don't know, though. We'll see.
Now that I have a new job, one that I need to update you on, I really am becoming convinced that special education is not my dream. I love politics; I loved law class in high school; and, I still love the study of religion. Maybe I can try to become a professor of theology. I'll figure it out eventually.

By the way, if you read my last post, you saw that I said I wished I had pictures to post with it. Well I got some pictures up, so go back and check them out.

1 comment:

  1. I most definitely think you should consider writing. Your posts are some of my favorite to actually READ. I wish I could put my feelings about school into words as flawlessly as you've done.