Thursday, August 4, 2011

Can't Shake


This post is so overdue -- by weeks. I don't know where to start.

When I think of being with Shelley, I think of being with her the rest of my life. It's totally natural to think we'll be together the rest of our lives, and I'll never date another person again. I won't even think of someone as more than cute because I'm rather content where I'm at. I've never felt that way. It's always been that I knew I was in a committed relationship; but if someone cuter came along, I'd hook them and leave the person I was with for them. In my 18 month relationship, this feeling for Him hasn't come up. If this feeling came up in old relationships, I embraced it. I had my pity party about my past and eventually shook it off. I can't help feel that's not proper now.

I knew I had a problem when Shelley worked her overnight last week. I had a dream where I was walking the halls of my junior high. I walked into a dark corner where he walked slightly into the light. He pointed at my chest/heart and said, "I will always be in there." I woke up in a sweat and panicked. I was sent back into a hate spiral of memories and feelings, and I felt my heart ache in a way I haven't since I saw him for the last time. I told Shelley about being upset without mentioning the fact that I didn't think I ever wanted to feel her hugs ever again. Thankfully before she got home, I had shook that feeling off.

Every so often this week, I've thought about him. Honestly embarrassed to be thinking about him again and remembering what kind of power he possessed over me. No person should possess that kind of power over another. And the more I think about him, the more I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it.

Shelley did an overnight again last night and guess who managed to show up in my dream again. This time in the light but never close enough for me to get a good look. I honestly felt like I could feel my heart hurting throughout that whole dream. My heart ached and begged to be relieved of the dream and of all the memories. Like, "Please, things are so good right now. I want it to be over."

So here I sit. Worrying over how to shake this. Shelley had a really rough night so I can't talk to her about it. I feel like if I told anyone from my past about it, I'd be judged (or they'd respond in some negative way). I'm seriously being anti-productive sitting here making a playlist of songs that I listened to when I was trudging through my relationship with him. That seems beyond unproductive into this made up world of anti-productive.

I have this tendency to pick scabs. It seems to be manifesting emotionally as I pick, what I thought were, scars. My heart feels like it's on fire and not in any sort of good way. Help me out here, Lee. Wish I could call you.

1 comment:

  1. I wish you could call him too. You can call me any old time, ya know...